You're Still Fat

#Trending For Fall: Dressing in Excess

fashion week, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Sip, swallow. Sip, spit. #balance

Sip, swallow. Sip, spit. #balance

Ignore your indian summer upper lip sweat. Leave your razor behind. Double-fist that non-fat skinny coconut milk Pumpkin Spice Latte and put on orange-tinted oversized sunnies, because it's time to welcome back woven nylon between our thighs. And officially find out what's in, what's out, what's faux, and what is absolutely no this fall. 

All praise layered polyester.

All praise layered polyester.

Gucci = God.

The Italian brand has resurrected our parents' youth, along with their chicest 70s looqs which we have since inherited/stolen, proving that god is real and turquoise jewelry is only acceptable when worn on every finger at once.

Styling tip: sport the largest stone on the finger that matters most. #┌∩┐ 

Do lipsmackers come in tinted Cheetoh dust???!

Do lipsmackers come in tinted Cheetoh dust???!

Mozzarella lip sticks

Neutral or orange lips will do the trick for day to night (no correlation to Halloween, just coincidentally spooky chic for you). 

What the FAUX.

What the FAUX.

Free the earth-toned bush.

Fur* should drape your shoulders (and even below the belt) for an authentic 70s looq, clothes on or off.

*Unless you're 50 Cent, then we know it's faux.

Camouflage your "jaw-line."

Camouflage your "jaw-line."

MANE MOMENTS

Keep the hair on your head natural, down, smooth and wavy (think Farrah Fawcett pre-drug OD). We recommend achieving this look with an abundance of dry shampoo and strictly refrain from any hair washing after July 4. Chic for you!

FUPAS FOR ALL!

FUPAS FOR ALL!

Jean sais quoi

Denim hasn't died, so continue with a Canadian tuxedo for every casual cocktail event (This one's for you, Jay!) Maybe even try to force your 2k16 body into your mom's 1971 bell bottoms for a vintage flare looq, immediately sacrificing every second serving in hopes of attaining her pre-teen BMI.

May your legs be as wide as Kendall's thigh gap.

Legs up to Olive Garden linguini. 

Legs up to Olive Garden linguini. 

V V Velvet

Velvet's no longer considered underground or over-dressed. So slap on some fuzzy chaps for the office or the train ride home, think of this as the wild west. And consider yourself Lady Velveeta



#Summertimethigh (A YSF Guide to Summer Day Drinking)

Food, Looqs, Chicago, ShopCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Does this flute make my wrists look thin?

Does this flute make my wrists look thin?

Every kween knows that #summertimechi means much more than pretending to like dancing in aerie high-waisted bikinis at Castaways, or the Saturday walk of shame, holding your flatform espadrilles after closing out The Apartment the night prior...shriek!  Oh bbs, it means so much more (read: DRINKING ON PATIOS). So in an effort to show you how to minimize your weight watchers points while maximizing your buzz, we said "OHHHHhhh, YUM," popped a tums and made our way to Old Town Social to taste test the best ways to make bevvies our breakfast, lunch and dinner. So break out the cat eye Le Specs, smear on colourpop's ultra matte lip, and make your instagram bio "rosé all day" (if it isn't already), then read on to savor our top 5 summer tips for liquid calorie consumption.

Toast every sip, no matter the size.

Toast every sip, no matter the size.

1. ALWAYS SPLIT A BOTTLE

As you know, when it comes to being fiscally responsible, we actually have no idea WTF we're doing. So when the wait staff recommends a bottle "to share," start with just one, then continue to split bottles until there's a 1:1 ratio of bottles to bodies. Think of this as a "small plates" food experience. It's less conspicuous and you get way more ice this way (so filling!).

Do you have like a really really really really long straw?

Do you have like a really really really really long straw?

Since you're already a little buzzed, here is a v v v v mathematical algorithm rule of thumb:

glass of rosé < bottle of Cook's < entire drink menu x 3 / ice = uber xxl

All for one...the bill that is.

All for one...the bill that is.

2. NEVER DRINK ALONE

This is an urban myth that only exists in places we've never been, like my grandma's bridge group. At times, a mason jar filled with an unknown substance found in the back of our desk drawer is the only way we get through M - F.  On that note, sharing a buzz is practically the first must of any summer survival guide. We recommend a subtle group-text of every drink emoji to your nearest and dearest, then expensing the drinks on their company AmEx to give your own wallet a little seasonal detox. 

YSF
YSF

3. DAY DRINK ON SUNDAYS

Put on your Sunday Best (whatever you wore last night). The bigger the shades, the better. Saunter out for brunch....with mimosas, bloody marys, prosecco, micheladas and rosè? After all, it is Lourde's day.

P.S. Interested in Liza's ice cream fascinator? US TOO! Chic news: you can get your own right HERE at ysf

SUNS OUT, TUMS OUT

SUNS OUT, TUMS OUT

4. EMBRACE DOUBLE-FISTING

Two desserts are always better than one, and the same rings true when it comes to quenching our thirst. Keeping a variety of flavors on hand to dabble between basically makes you a mixologist soooooooo....

This summer, we're most thankful for uber split fare.

This summer, we're most thankful for uber split fare.

5. CABS ARE YOUR BEST FRENEMY

This is actually true bc we're always always always always late and always always always a little drunk. (Disclaimer: we were an hour late to meet Christina for this and she STILL thinks we're chic, #godisreal)

While you're still here, a pro tip: never, under any circumstances, ever look at your uber ride history unless you'd really like to know what poverty actually feels like.

I'll take a bouquet of flowers & bubbles, thnx!

I'll take a bouquet of flowers & bubbles, thnx!

Special thanks to Christina for introducing us to the concept of wearing a napkin as a neck scarf, to Old Town Social for not kicking us out after sitting on top of 2-3 occupied booths, and to Flowers for Dreams for giving us a fragrant moment to mask our beer breath. We can't wait to not remember the next three months.

Make America Eat Again

Food, Looqs, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment
red, white & regret

red, white & regret

Some bb with bad brows once snapchatted us "what you eat in private, you wear in public." And to that we say....."k." After googling 'eating clean' and only finding youtube videos of millenials under 100 lbs, we gave up and just put american cheese directly on our upper arms, eliminating the middle man. 

In honor of god blessing the vets, four day weekends, and well-done third degree burns on the back thighs below your bun cheeks (you know the spot) we bring you the do's and absolfuckinlutely do-not's of BB-Q season. Dust off your last season are-these-still-chic birkenstocks, throw on a marimekko for Target caftan and swig some Skinny Girl margarita straight from the freezer, then find out how we made raw meat actually work as a really great & organic arch support. Chic!        

you say tomato, we say stiletto 

you say tomato, we say stiletto 

Begin below the ankle with a vegan statement piece rich in primary colors and "nutrients." Bonus points if the banana peel acts as a moisturizer for your knock-off-mohawk-YSL callouses. 

frank you sir, may i have another?

frank you sir, may i have another?

Let the meat-eaters in your life know that you're really into GMO's of every variety with all-beef accoutrements, wafting with the subtle romantic scent of the chargrilled season. Top it off with your own take on toppings, Chic-ago style.

JELLO FROM THE OTHERSIDE

JELLO FROM THE OTHERSIDE

Create a well-balanced ball-to-heel support with the perfect pairings of appeteasers, main, and dessert courses, all where the weight will end up eventually--your cankles! 

#neverforget: beauty fades, hunger remains

#neverforget: beauty fades, hunger remains

Finally, steal the spotlight from the dessert table with some low calorie substitutes for your appendages. A pop of color & convenient calories = YUM! 

Gingham-filled gratitude to Marina for eating the watermelon and snapping our v v raw looqs.