You're Still Fat

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#Summertimethigh (A YSF Guide to Summer Day Drinking)

Food, Looqs, Chicago, ShopCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Does this flute make my wrists look thin?

Does this flute make my wrists look thin?

Every kween knows that #summertimechi means much more than pretending to like dancing in aerie high-waisted bikinis at Castaways, or the Saturday walk of shame, holding your flatform espadrilles after closing out The Apartment the night prior...shriek!  Oh bbs, it means so much more (read: DRINKING ON PATIOS). So in an effort to show you how to minimize your weight watchers points while maximizing your buzz, we said "OHHHHhhh, YUM," popped a tums and made our way to Old Town Social to taste test the best ways to make bevvies our breakfast, lunch and dinner. So break out the cat eye Le Specs, smear on colourpop's ultra matte lip, and make your instagram bio "rosé all day" (if it isn't already), then read on to savor our top 5 summer tips for liquid calorie consumption.

Toast every sip, no matter the size.

Toast every sip, no matter the size.

1. ALWAYS SPLIT A BOTTLE

As you know, when it comes to being fiscally responsible, we actually have no idea WTF we're doing. So when the wait staff recommends a bottle "to share," start with just one, then continue to split bottles until there's a 1:1 ratio of bottles to bodies. Think of this as a "small plates" food experience. It's less conspicuous and you get way more ice this way (so filling!).

Do you have like a really really really really long straw?

Do you have like a really really really really long straw?

Since you're already a little buzzed, here is a v v v v mathematical algorithm rule of thumb:

glass of rosé < bottle of Cook's < entire drink menu x 3 / ice = uber xxl

All for one...the bill that is.

All for one...the bill that is.

2. NEVER DRINK ALONE

This is an urban myth that only exists in places we've never been, like my grandma's bridge group. At times, a mason jar filled with an unknown substance found in the back of our desk drawer is the only way we get through M - F.  On that note, sharing a buzz is practically the first must of any summer survival guide. We recommend a subtle group-text of every drink emoji to your nearest and dearest, then expensing the drinks on their company AmEx to give your own wallet a little seasonal detox. 

YSF
YSF

3. DAY DRINK ON SUNDAYS

Put on your Sunday Best (whatever you wore last night). The bigger the shades, the better. Saunter out for brunch....with mimosas, bloody marys, prosecco, micheladas and rosè? After all, it is Lourde's day.

P.S. Interested in Liza's ice cream fascinator? US TOO! Chic news: you can get your own right HERE at ysf

SUNS OUT, TUMS OUT

SUNS OUT, TUMS OUT

4. EMBRACE DOUBLE-FISTING

Two desserts are always better than one, and the same rings true when it comes to quenching our thirst. Keeping a variety of flavors on hand to dabble between basically makes you a mixologist soooooooo....

This summer, we're most thankful for uber split fare.

This summer, we're most thankful for uber split fare.

5. CABS ARE YOUR BEST FRENEMY

This is actually true bc we're always always always always late and always always always a little drunk. (Disclaimer: we were an hour late to meet Christina for this and she STILL thinks we're chic, #godisreal)

While you're still here, a pro tip: never, under any circumstances, ever look at your uber ride history unless you'd really like to know what poverty actually feels like.

I'll take a bouquet of flowers  &amp; &nbsp;bubbles, thnx!

I'll take a bouquet of flowers & bubbles, thnx!

Special thanks to Christina for introducing us to the concept of wearing a napkin as a neck scarf, to Old Town Social for not kicking us out after sitting on top of 2-3 occupied booths, and to Flowers for Dreams for giving us a fragrant moment to mask our beer breath. We can't wait to not remember the next three months.


Dylan's Candy Barre Method

Chicago, Food, Looqs, obesityCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Do these come in industrial size servings?!?!

Do these come in industrial size servings?!?!

As you know, we never turn down compliments OR complimentary calories, so when Dylan's Candy Bar invited us to exercise our multiple chins and tastebuds, we immediately ordered an uberXL and Diet Coke for the road. 

dylan's candy bar chicago

8PM: The workout begins with a candy-cocktail warm-up. Beads of sweat form on our hairlines as we fear the imminent crash-and-burn effect, but also for the excitement of the fructose-filled tabatas to come.

Endorphins and obesity begin to flow.

Endorphins and obesity begin to flow.

8:15 PM: The first interval begins, with the focus area on exerting our jelly bellies. We rapidly flail our lunch-lady-toned-arms to and from the candy dish.

An energy boost in lieu of whey protein

An energy boost in lieu of whey protein

8:30PM: We are given weightless medicine balls to fill and test our stomachs' strengths. Overwhelmed with options, we decide to take the liberal route by taste testing first, leaving no sweet treat behind, and FILL THAT SHIT UP. 

Just enough room to meet our weekly recommended intake!

Just enough room to meet our weekly recommended intake!

8:45PM: The stamina drill, our most challenging yet. Five minute squats with 5lbs of monochromatic confection and NOT indulging.

dylan's candy bar

9PM: We cool down with blue sugar strips and a little less sanity than we began with. #BLESSED

let it ripppp

As the hour ended and our appetites did not, we thanked Dylan's Candy Bar for the best jazzercise a girl could ask for, then inquired about weekly sessions to substitute our Jane Fonda fat-burning sessions. If only our guts weren't as big as her blowouts...


Get the Fork Out

Chicago, Looqs, Music, VideoCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Not pictured: upper lip sweat

Not pictured: upper lip sweat

After an entire month of layering long sleeves under our caftans for the Dunkin Donuts drive thru line, summer finally decided to come out of the closet and reignite an old and familiar friend: our sweat glands. Between blotting our upper lips with tea tree sheets and sipping/slamming a few negroni slushies at Parson's, we realized the water weight we were losing deserved a celebration.  So we flew in our best YSF frenemies, slathered on the SPF 70, and got the fork out to Pitchfork Music Festival.

Special thigh claps to Ben, Emily + Mel for making it a moisty weekend and this video extra (large) special:

Post-Parson's Depression

Post-Parson's Depression


Raise a Perrier to a no-still-water weekend


bai

Outfit details Nightgown/Cape: $5 bin Lincoln Park garage sale / Sunglasses: Kokorokoko / Turban: H&M / Liza striped dress: Banana Republic (SHRIEK!)

Taking a moment to air out&nbsp;

Taking a moment to air out 

And since it's Friday, here's a gif to get you feeling frisky for the weekend: 

ysf