You're Still Fat

Food

Everything You Never Knew About the Pyeong F. Chang Winter Olympics

fat(e), Food, looqs, TravelLiza RushComment
 On the road to gold(en dumplings).

On the road to gold(en dumplings).

As you know, we're HUGE sports fans so when the Olympic Committee for Overconsumption hand-picked *us* to give a behind-the-slopes looq of the winter games we knew this was a chance we couldn't turn down. Like the seventh free Polar PopAnd, apparently we weren't the ONLY ones on site at P. F. Chang's. So, it's time to triple-up your shades in lieu of ski goggles, switch your ringtone to Olympic fanfare and start saying brrrr every 2 1/2 mins because ... 

We're reporting live from Sochi!

 This is our Everest.

This is our Everest.

If there's one thing you should know about being an athlete it's that we have really lean upper arms. Like, really, really lean. Like infant size, but only full of muscles, arteries and whey protein. So the first unofficial event before opening ceremony is a really big feat for some - like teensy Alexa Scimeca - carb loading! (This got us thinking, are we actually really, really athletic??) The rule of Olympic thumbs is eat until one of the following happens: die, sleep for 17 hours or get to high five Shaun White at the Opening Ceremony. Hi, Shaun!

And yeah, we did get the first unofficial gold in the first unofficial event.

liza rush
caitlin vanderklok

Day 1: The Opening Ceremony is actually like World Fashion Week. Of course Ralph designed the looq and of course we died for a fringe western glove and of course they were only made in athlete sample size (see infant arm above). So we made do with our eight carry-ons and threw on these patriotic rags. Shout-out to Nigeria for the chicest bejeweled turban looqs

 Us + sad staircase

Us + sad staircase

 Us + SoKo swag bags.

Us + SoKo swag bags.

Day 3: The ski lift was down, high shriek. So like peasants we were forced to take the stairs, until we found this secret America-only pop-up elevator. Go Team USA! 

 Practicing our freestyle skiing ... form.

Practicing our freestyle skiing ... form.

Day 6: Insider theory is that all silverware in Pyeong F. Chang's was melted to create second place medals. Makes sense, doesn't it? Think about it.

 Embracing the SoKo decor.

Embracing the SoKo decor.

 Teamwork is key, especially when you're too bloated to bend over.

Teamwork is key, especially when you're too bloated to bend over.

Lindsey Vonn took both of these photos seconds before she got bronze. Thanks, girl!

 If you press this button, your MOM shows up! 

If you press this button, your MOM shows up! 

Day 11: While downing mulled wine in the Team USA elevator, we discovered a real piece of Olympic History, instated at Lake Placid in 1988. Every event has an emergency exit so Alpine Skiing doesn't turn into Alpine Peeing. 

 The real Olympic Rings.

The real Olympic Rings.

 Acting surprised when we placed first in Hurling.

Acting surprised when we placed first in Hurling.

 TFW they offer you  silver  ..... ew bye!!! 

TFW they offer you silver ..... ew bye!!! 

Day 13: The medal ceremonies are kind of like a marriage ceremony because you make your dad cry and your mother-in-law doesn't think your look is appropriate for national television. 

 Guess which one's Tonya and which one's Nancy??  ....makes sense, doesn't it? 

Guess which one's Tonya and which one's Nancy?? ....makes sense, doesn't it? 

Tune in next week when we arrive at O'Hare with gold.... in doggy bags!


Quiz: Which #sweaterbody Are You?

quiz, obesity, FoodCaitlin VanderKlokComment

If your monthly horoscope is looking shrieky AF, don't worry. There's something worth overeating for--and it's not what you're thinking. It's the prayer that has been answered all over the midwest: October is the most anorexic looqing you'll be all year (CUE THE BOXED WINE)! So in honor of the best news we've actually ever heard, we double-whipped up a little quiz for you to discover and perfect your own sweater body for the next five months and, if you're lucky, years. Follow your cravings and the questions below for something you're actually invited to sink your teeth into, and keep scrolling for some styled looqs to match your appetite.

Calorie counting strictly prohibited

sweater body

Found your #sweaterbody but don't know how to werq it? We've got a few ideas... 

eggplant emoji

If You're an eggplant emoji:

Stay relevant and searchable with this pound-sign pocket book.


turkey leg

if you're a turkey leg:

Wrap your (taco) leftovers and your body in a tin foil metallic moment with this two-piece showstopper.


la croix

If you're a peach-pear lacroix:

Show you're part business and part royalty with this mermaid sequined green bomber jacket.


cauliflower crust

If you're a cauliflower crust pizza:

Dress up your couch looq with this denim trench dress. Perfect for pretending to not have showered for three days when the takeout delivery (finally) gets to the door.


turkey bacon

if you're a single slice of turkey bacon:

Top off your wafer-thin body with a booshel of fur from Zara. Two-toned hues will add to your lack of dimension.


avocado toast

If you're Avocado Toast: 

Bring out that golden brown crust you acquired this summer with a squirt of mustard...around your neck.  


#Summertimethigh (A YSF Guide to Summer Day Drinking)

Food, Looqs, Chicago, ShopCaitlin VanderKlokComment
 Does this flute make my wrists look thin?

Does this flute make my wrists look thin?

Every kween knows that #summertimechi means much more than pretending to like dancing in aerie high-waisted bikinis at Castaways, or the Saturday walk of shame, holding your flatform espadrilles after closing out The Apartment the night prior...shriek!  Oh bbs, it means so much more (read: DRINKING ON PATIOS). So in an effort to show you how to minimize your weight watchers points while maximizing your buzz, we said "OHHHHhhh, YUM," popped a tums and made our way to Old Town Social to taste test the best ways to make bevvies our breakfast, lunch and dinner. So break out the cat eye Le Specs, smear on colourpop's ultra matte lip, and make your instagram bio "rosé all day" (if it isn't already), then read on to savor our top 5 summer tips for liquid calorie consumption.

 Toast every sip, no matter the size.

Toast every sip, no matter the size.

1. ALWAYS SPLIT A BOTTLE

As you know, when it comes to being fiscally responsible, we actually have no idea WTF we're doing. So when the wait staff recommends a bottle "to share," start with just one, then continue to split bottles until there's a 1:1 ratio of bottles to bodies. Think of this as a "small plates" food experience. It's less conspicuous and you get way more ice this way (so filling!).

 Do you have like a really really really really long straw?

Do you have like a really really really really long straw?

Since you're already a little buzzed, here is a v v v v mathematical algorithm rule of thumb:

glass of rosé < bottle of Cook's < entire drink menu x 3 / ice = uber xxl

 All for one...the bill that is.

All for one...the bill that is.

2. NEVER DRINK ALONE

This is an urban myth that only exists in places we've never been, like my grandma's bridge group. At times, a mason jar filled with an unknown substance found in the back of our desk drawer is the only way we get through M - F.  On that note, sharing a buzz is practically the first must of any summer survival guide. We recommend a subtle group-text of every drink emoji to your nearest and dearest, then expensing the drinks on their company AmEx to give your own wallet a little seasonal detox. 

YSF
YSF

3. DAY DRINK ON SUNDAYS

Put on your Sunday Best (whatever you wore last night). The bigger the shades, the better. Saunter out for brunch....with mimosas, bloody marys, prosecco, micheladas and rosè? After all, it is Lourde's day.

P.S. Interested in Liza's ice cream fascinator? US TOO! Chic news: you can get your own right HERE at ysf

 SUNS OUT, TUMS OUT

SUNS OUT, TUMS OUT

4. EMBRACE DOUBLE-FISTING

Two desserts are always better than one, and the same rings true when it comes to quenching our thirst. Keeping a variety of flavors on hand to dabble between basically makes you a mixologist soooooooo....

 This summer, we're most thankful for uber split fare.

This summer, we're most thankful for uber split fare.

5. CABS ARE YOUR BEST FRENEMY

This is actually true bc we're always always always always late and always always always a little drunk. (Disclaimer: we were an hour late to meet Christina for this and she STILL thinks we're chic, #godisreal)

While you're still here, a pro tip: never, under any circumstances, ever look at your uber ride history unless you'd really like to know what poverty actually feels like.

 I'll take a bouquet of flowers  &amp; &nbsp;bubbles, thnx!

I'll take a bouquet of flowers & bubbles, thnx!

Special thanks to Christina for introducing us to the concept of wearing a napkin as a neck scarf, to Old Town Social for not kicking us out after sitting on top of 2-3 occupied booths, and to Flowers for Dreams for giving us a fragrant moment to mask our beer breath. We can't wait to not remember the next three months.