You're Still Fat

obesity

Quiz: Which #sweaterbody Are You?

quiz, obesity, FoodCaitlin VanderKlokComment

If your monthly horoscope is looking shrieky AF, don't worry. There's something worth overeating for--and it's not what you're thinking. It's the prayer that has been answered all over the midwest: October is the most anorexic looqing you'll be all year (CUE THE BOXED WINE)! So in honor of the best news we've actually ever heard, we double-whipped up a little quiz for you to discover and perfect your own sweater body for the next five months and, if you're lucky, years. Follow your cravings and the questions below for something you're actually invited to sink your teeth into, and keep scrolling for some styled looqs to match your appetite.

Calorie counting strictly prohibited

sweater body

Found your #sweaterbody but don't know how to werq it? We've got a few ideas... 

eggplant emoji

If You're an eggplant emoji:

Stay relevant and searchable with this pound-sign pocket book.


turkey leg

if you're a turkey leg:

Wrap your (taco) leftovers and your body in a tin foil metallic moment with this two-piece showstopper.


la croix

If you're a peach-pear lacroix:

Show you're part business and part royalty with this mermaid sequined green bomber jacket.


cauliflower crust

If you're a cauliflower crust pizza:

Dress up your couch looq with this denim trench dress. Perfect for pretending to not have showered for three days when the takeout delivery (finally) gets to the door.


turkey bacon

if you're a single slice of turkey bacon:

Top off your wafer-thin body with a booshel of fur from Zara. Two-toned hues will add to your lack of dimension.


avocado toast

If you're Avocado Toast: 

Bring out that golden brown crust you acquired this summer with a squirt of mustard...around your neck.  


Hot Sauce on My Dress, #BLEST

Fashim, Food, Looqs, obesityLiza RushComment
Queuing for the Quesalupa

Queuing for the Quesalupa

As Lady Gaga walked the MJ runway in skyscraper platforms during NYFW, we were called upon by the carbs in our upper arms to give our (& our stomach's) #thots on this season's newest fashion accessory. Spoiler alert: It's even #BiggerThan the space between Kendall's thighs on the Michael Kors runway.  

Taco bell's quesalupa

Double the dairy for me, PLZ.

Double the dairy for me, PLZ.

Dolce, Dolce, Dulce de Leche

Dolce, Dolce, Dulce de Leche

Famished after driving two blocks to Taco Bell, we immediately stomped the salted runway to the counter, ordering a Cantina Margarita Freeze to SIP for flavor (then spit out). We continued to drink only Dos Equis and sour cream for the remainder of the meal, YUM!

Is Border  Sauce  complimentary?!??

Is Border Sauce complimentary?!??

Channeling Frieda Kahlo at Coachella, we layered black lace to accent our winter skin and swore off shaving for two weeks to emulate the ultimate Taco Belle.     

Consider this the Birkin   bag of 2k16

Consider this the Birkin bag of 2k16

Cradling the newest addition to our wardrobe (and waistline), we embraced the cheese-filled bebé swaddled in black foil and speckled with gold lamé highlights.

quesalupa
quesalupa

Finding that the secret ingredient settled deep into the folds of the fried tortilla, we quickly realized the resemblance to a Thom Browne taffeta tutu, and executed consumption accordingly.

our advice: eat it from the bottom. eat only the bottom. eat it all.

Fans swarm as the fragrance hits the pavement.

Fans swarm as the fragrance hits the pavement.

Offering much-needed versatility, the quesalupa is ideal for the fashionista-on-the-go, allowing calorie-filled bites between runway shows.

Quesalupa as my clutch, #clutch.

Quesalupa as my clutch, #clutch.

Disguise the pocketbook as vegan leather. Best served when sprinkled with half a Xanax for tasting.

For a quick snack, just the tip.

For a quick snack, just the tip.

The only thing greasier than our second serving was our hair. Chic for us!

quesa to go

Leftovers? Wrap it like an oversized Fendi cocoon coat and stuff it next to your under eye cream for later. Take it from us, your thighs are going to need it.

Special thanks to Taco Bell and Christina for helping us think outside our buns. Besos!


NEVER EATING AGAIN

Food, Holiday, Looqs, obesityCaitlin VanderKlokComment
The ham quickly disappeared from the scene and is assumed to be the lead person of interest in the case of missing self-control.

The ham quickly disappeared from the scene and is assumed to be the lead person of interest in the case of missing self-control.

the looqs: [bottom] american apparel striped tights, jeffrey campbell blue suede shoes, [top] vera wang!............. for kohl's tights, vintage blue suede shoes    

You know that feeling when you're half-a-bite away from your gut actually combusting, but you push it to the limit? Time to welcome your Thanksgiving hangover! We're officially DEAD DEAD DEAD after that seventh serving of marshmallow-covered-pumpkin-pie. "You are what you eat," they say, and to that, we say "KILL ME BEFORE I EAT ANOTHER." We'll be over here in a food coma, swearing off eating until....we see those extra leftovers in the fridge tonight.

So, let's attempt to lift our wrists and raise a glass to no crudité going untouched, your choice to heap a second servings of gravy over that kale and quinoa stuffing, pie for breakfast, and every available snack with your girlfriends this holiday season. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (and fatter).

She thought three eggs would hold her over until lunch. They held her all the way  to the grave .

She thought three eggs would hold her over until lunch. They held her all the way to the grave.

the looq: american appareal two-toned tights (similar), shoes that live in the bottom of liza's closet
Two remain in critical consumption condition after realizing they were eating SALTED butter. The horror.

Two remain in critical consumption condition after realizing they were eating SALTED butter. The horror.

the looqs: tights provided by caitlin's closet, old navy platform sneakers (on clearance now for $7!!!!), last season jeffrey campbell buckle flats
She used her tongue in place of a sponge, lacerating her gums and forcing her to rely solely on chocolate milkshakes and stomach bile until New Year's Eve. YUM!

She used her tongue in place of a sponge, lacerating her gums and forcing her to rely solely on chocolate milkshakes and stomach bile until New Year's Eve. YUM!

 the looq: tights by HUE, charles david mud-covered suede pumps 
The spaghetti was mislabeled as gluten free, she ate four pounds of it, and then  she died.

The spaghetti was mislabeled as gluten free, she ate four pounds of it, and then she died.

the looqs: forever 21 mustard tights, target black loafers, heels dusted off from ca. 2009

Please remember to eat responsibly this holiday season. Plastic sporks in purses strongly encouraged.