You're Still Fat

Faux-ga @ Rooted Center

birth weight, Chicago, obesityCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Our legs are not as flexible as our waistbands.

Our legs are not as flexible as our waistbands.

Before last week, our concept of 'Namaste' was to "Namast'ay in Bed." And considering our last actual sweat-induced workout, minus the el stairs, was in 2011 - we were both pretty anxious. After confirming that neither of us own athletic shoes within the state of Illinois and these 60s-inspired Cynthia Rowley's wouldn't work (they do have laces), we just went barefoot.* 

So anyway, when we saw the sign for Rooted's Techno Yoga, we were intrigued. Like, is that a real form of yoga that we've never heard of, or will we be straining our bodies and calming our minds in a dark laser-filled room? Liza painted her nails white in hopes of a black light. Caitlin's skin is already transparent enough as is, so she left her nails bare. It's important to note that we also both shaved our legs for this, so @Jonny and @Ross, we'll send you Rooted Yoga Studio's address for thank you cards. 

After battling the elements, we arrived to free David's Tea ( hot AND cold) waiting for us, which was really chic. After nervously downing, we slapped on a few glow sticks and prepared for our final hour. The instructor, Aliza, led us into the blacklit room and everyone started to stretch while we fled to the back of the room and did a few ankle circles to loosen up. There was a guy sitting to our right (we'll call him Jeff) who claimed to also be a beginner. Phew. Aliza started with the instructions, and before we knew it, we were doing downward dog with a perfect view of our cankles and the back wall. After completing the first yoga routine Aliza brought us back to this pose where we put our hands together and reflect on how we're feeling. Um, what are feelings again? 

We did some poses like this and this and this and this. Well, at least they seemed that difficult to us...Then, Aliza was all like, "I'm gonna get TURNT UP!," increased the volume of the music by 400%, turned off the lights completely, and asked that everyone "move at their own pace." People were doing this and this and this and this (TALKING TO YOU, JEFF) and we were just....doing this for about the next 20 minutes. 

And to stay in the pace of the true techno spirit, we'll press the fast-forward button to speed up the black light experience. Internal zen thoughts were as follows: 

  • My thumb is asleep.
  • Room feels like 100+ degrees (actually just internal body temp)
  • When's fetal position?!
  • Dogs do nothing that actually resembles downward dog.
  • Glowstick bracelet really showcasing my sweat
  • We smell like H&M b.o. right now
  • I put on eyeliner for this.
  • Jeff, the beginner, is actually doing a headstand.
  • Thank God we didn't eat before this. Any amount of bodily gas would hinder the experience almost absolutely.
  • I'm sweating more than I do right before I check my bank account.
  • Do we get a water break? 

THEN, we hear the sweet voice of Aliza "settle down and get back to your reflection pose." I could ONLY reflect on the fact that "OMG I THINK I HAVE A SIX PACK!"* Aliza was an angel and asked that everyone lay on their back and close their eyes (our favorite position) for the next 5 minutes. Yoga was over. Our lives were not.

Thank you to everyone at Rooted for allowing these beached whales into your fitness routine and teaching us what it means to truly be rooted.

*Which turned out to be okay! People that do yoga never wear shoes. Even in the bathroom, which we hesitantly embraced (because I wanted to check if I did, indeed, have a six pack. Spoiler: I didn't)