You're Still Fat

Hiber-nation (A YSF Guide to Never Leaving Your Couch)

Looqs, obesity, TravelCaitlin VanderKlokComment

Hola, fudge lovers.

It has been a MINUTE. Please 'scooz our hibernation, but we needed to pile on the anti-aging masks and just let 2016 pass like our xmas-induced IBS. After spritzing a few gallons of rose water on our faces and adding Postmates on speed dial, we realized it was time to reemerge like we ~*pray*~ Richard Simmons will and share our top 5 tips on how to make those weird at-home fuzzy socks the top athleisure trend of 2017. So plz, be our guest to pause Netflix (PS YES WE'RE STILL WATCHING), mist some dry shampoo for the uber eats delivery guy and read on as the snow continues to drop (like our standards) in winter, mid-March. WTFFFF. 

Waiting for our soul (post)mate.

Waiting for our soul (post)mate.

1. DELIVERY IS MAJOR #πŸ”‘

This is actually like a really serious topic. After recently googling "at home pap smear" we had an epiphany that being an invalid can actually be pretty chic and ... more importantly, fiscally responsible!

YSF airbnb

Pro tip: For good measure, keep cookware out in the open to appear to others as if you're capable of sustaining a healthy(ish) life sans Pizza Hut in the case that something tragic happens, liiiike, your mom shows up for a surprise visit, or  Trump is elected president. It's as if to say, "oh my.... you caught me just as I was preparing my meals for the entire week... how embarrassing!" as you tuck away your $10 voucher for your next large pizza delivery. In this case, we're displaying our 10lb Saveur Magazine Blog Award, which was almost captured by airport security (shriek! but also thanks for the idea of using it as a weapon). 

is it hot in here?
caitlin vanderklok

2. WARMTH IS A STATE OF MIND

Layer bright colors and set up tropical plant moments, then sit in front of a fan while wearing elbow length suede gloves to fend away goosebumps. At any possible chance of taking in some vitamin D, immediately strategically pose your body to soak in as much ultraviolet light as possible. Bonus points if your back is hunched from binge watching Love in bed for 36 hours (which can simply be mistaken as a chic hunched couture looq #FatKendall). 

Surround yourself with white walls to bring out the color of your windburned face.

Surround yourself with white walls to bring out the color of your windburned face.

* after saying Bloody Mary three times *

* after saying Bloody Mary three times *

3. MIRRORS ARE YOUR BIGGEST FRENEMY

Avoid them at all costs. Even look out for reflective surfaces, like the window you pass on your way to Taco Bell or that shrieky moment when you accidentally open your camera app to selfie mode...the horror! No one wants to see that, even your BFF on Facetime. The only exception for winter mirrors is right when you get out of the (only) shower (you'll take all week) and the mirror is fogged up. THEN it's ok to peek.

Are you there God?Β It's me, obesity.

Are you there God? It's me, obesity.

In extreme situations of seasonal affective disorder (aka S.A.D.ness 😞), dress in your Sunday best and invite your nearest and dearest over for a prayer vigil to the metabolism gods for a speedy and scarily-thin Spring. But also pray for temps above freezing and waking up the next am with a natural* tan.

*natural in the case that you're one shade darker than death

The number of brain cells pictured is equivalent to the number of chins.

The number of brain cells pictured is equivalent to the number of chins.

4. SHIT WILL GET WEIRD

Your couch will mold to your rolls, crumbs between the cushions will be snacks and if you have a pet you'll most likely marry them in a Scientology ceremony officiated by Leah Remini's fingernails. And that's really fucking bizarre. But that's what we here at YSF call "my-apt-is-small-AF-and-I-haven't-left-in-four-days" fever. At some point you'll begin to look halfway deranged (see above), which is actually really chic for you because Caitlin's basically wearing rapist sunglasses and can still kinda pass as a sane person.

Day 15: Mild signs of life

Day 15: Mild signs of life

TBT to my thinner selfΒ 

TBT to my thinner self 

5. #TBT IS THE NEW BMI

So the last time you went to a social event was 4 months ago.... but Instagram doesn't need to know! Keep constant use of #tbt (even on days that don't begin with T) to stay current and "hip" and "fun," when really you just got married to your dog by Leah Remini's fingernails. Shhhhhh. 


LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

Sp(ecial th)anx to Lindsay Lewis for allowing us to play dress up with her beautiful jewelry (we're wearing the Parallel and Joss necklaces).