You're Still Fat

Is That Blood or Chianti? (& Other Things to Step In @ a Music Festival)

Music, Looqs, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment

It's officially ~FeStIvAl SeAsOn~ -- and just as every BB color coordinates their Adidas Baselines with their Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs, we're coordinating our festival looqs to compliment that weird red puddle you just pranced into by the will call tent.  Is that blood? Is it chianti? Settle down ladies, it's all underneath your soles - so take off your bra, windex your vagina, and feast your (th)eyes on the absurd shit you're about to ruin your Balenciaga cutout boots with while you traipse around what's sure to be a field full of the weirdest garbage this side of the Atlantic. 

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1. Vomit

These shoes were made for walkin' (in someone else's mistakes)

These shoes were made for walkin' (in someone else's mistakes)

Looks like they had the corndog, yum! Babes, we've all stumbled into someone's lost cookies. And if you swear on your grandmother's Gucci you never have, we beg you to go TSA on your platform Superga sneakers and swab that shit because although YOU may not eat carbs, your soles beg to differ.

2. Melted Ice Cream

Cream colored mules made even creamier. YUM!

Cream colored mules made even creamier. YUM!

It's not officially summer until you've slipped in curdled dairy and slid into a stranger's bralette as a shirt. Look at it this way, at least the stifling heat saves you from any stiff-nip-induced injuries. 

3. BEER PUDDLE

Beer-or, Beer-or, on the ground, who's the drunkest all around?

Beer-or, Beer-or, on the ground, who's the drunkest all around?

Ahhhhhh, the sticky stench of sophomore year chugging warm Natty-Light on your friend's porch while eyeing which polo-wearing bro you'll french next. That was SO fun we never ever want to do it again. BLEST that the only victim this time is our on-sale flatform Tevas and that we've blocked 85% of our graduating class on FB.

4. DEAD BIRD

R.I.P. Bird, R.I.P. $120 perfect-height summer heel

R.I.P. Bird, R.I.P. $120 perfect-height summer heel

Zika is the STD of summer 2k17 so ladies protect yourself ...  with a $29 pedicure that is easily rinsed off with a Grapefruit Sparkling Spindrift!

5. Somebody Else's CRATE & BARREL BLANKET

TBH brown undertones are in for summer. So, you're welcome!

TBH brown undertones are in for summer. So, you're welcome!

Disclaimer: the lowest price "outdoor" blanket at C&B is a smooth $103. And that's double the price of your last-season are-these-still-chic-Birkenstocks that just left a soupy footprint on that newlywed couple's overpriced wedding gift. THEY REGISTERED FOR THAT!!!!!

6. A BABY

Bae

J/K, you're still on edibles.

7. ROGUE JEANS

Long live @buttsofpitchfork

Everyone is jumping on the denim trend, including Mother Nature. Chic for her!

8. BLOOD?

In case of emergency, snap my therapist.

In case of emergency, snap my therapist.

By day three of the festival all lady cycles have synced, so pack exxxtra tampons and empathy for first timers and pray for a clean port-a-potty. JK THOSE DON'T EXIST EVEN AT FYRE FEST (too soon?).

9. GLUTEN FREE PIZZA

pizza.png

Celiacs unite to ruin pizza and your sky blue lamb leather mules, RUDE!

10. BAD LIGHTING

Pass the SPF 12m.

Pass the SPF 12m.

This is why sunglasses and hats are #MAJOR🔑. We repeat SHADES AND TOPPERS. UV rays are our fourth best frenemy after broken escalators, aging and Sauvignon Blanc (in Caitlin's case).

11. IS THAT CARMEN ELECTRA?

Have fun at work on Monday! #evian

Have fun at work on Monday! #evian

No, it's just your reflection after tripping on molly for five full dehydrating hours.

 

P.S. Follow our personals tripS at Pitchfork on iG @ #shefork2017, BESOS!