It's officially ~FeStIvAl SeAsOn~ -- and just as every BB color coordinates their Adidas Baselines with their Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs, we're coordinating our festival looqs to compliment that weird red puddle you just pranced into by the will call tent. Is that blood? Is it chianti? Settle down ladies, it's all underneath your soles - so take off your bra, windex your vagina, and feast your (th)eyes on the absurd shit you're about to ruin your Balenciaga cutout boots with while you traipse around what's sure to be a field full of the weirdest garbage this side of the Atlantic.
Looks like they had the corndog, yum! Babes, we've all stumbled into someone's lost cookies. And if you swear on your grandmother's Gucci you never have, we beg you to go TSA on your platform Superga sneakers and swab that shit because although YOU may not eat carbs, your soles beg to differ.
2. Melted Ice Cream
It's not officially summer until you've slipped in curdled dairy and slid into a stranger's bralette as a shirt. Look at it this way, at least the stifling heat saves you from any stiff-nip-induced injuries.
3. BEER PUDDLE
Ahhhhhh, the sticky stench of sophomore year chugging warm Natty-Light on your friend's porch while eyeing which polo-wearing bro you'll french next. That was SO fun we never ever want to do it again. BLEST that the only victim this time is our on-sale flatform Tevas and that we've blocked 85% of our graduating class on FB.
4. DEAD BIRD
Zika is the STD of summer 2k17 so ladies protect yourself ... with a $29 pedicure that is easily rinsed off with a Grapefruit Sparkling Spindrift!
5. Somebody Else's CRATE & BARREL BLANKET
Disclaimer: the lowest price "outdoor" blanket at C&B is a smooth $103. And that's double the price of your last-season are-these-still-chic-Birkenstocks that just left a soupy footprint on that newlywed couple's overpriced wedding gift. THEY REGISTERED FOR THAT!!!!!
6. A BABY
J/K, you're still on edibles.
7. ROGUE JEANS
Everyone is jumping on the denim trend, including Mother Nature. Chic for her!
By day three of the festival all lady cycles have synced, so pack exxxtra tampons and empathy for first timers and pray for a clean port-a-potty. JK THOSE DON'T EXIST EVEN AT FYRE FEST (too soon?).
9. GLUTEN FREE PIZZA
Celiacs unite to ruin pizza and your sky blue lamb leather mules, RUDE!
10. BAD LIGHTING
This is why sunglasses and hats are #MAJOR🔑. We repeat SHADES AND TOPPERS. UV rays are our fourth best frenemy after broken escalators, aging and Sauvignon Blanc (in Caitlin's case).
11. IS THAT CARMEN ELECTRA?
No, it's just your reflection after tripping on molly for five full dehydrating hours.