You're Still Fat

Guest Post

Brat Daze

birth weight, Food, Guest PostEmily EatonComment
brat daze

While our Pitchfork hangovers were finally dwindling and we were able to meander back to our real lives, Emily dusted off the ole' Hot Dog Suit and attended a community event that can only be topped with a Kardashian wedding or extra mustard. 

 

By Emily Eaton

 

Last weekend, I packed my best turban and stretchy pants and ventured to Stacyville, Iowa for the first time to partake in an experience called "Brat Daze," an entire day dedicated to the celebration of bratwurst. Because who doesn't want to celebrate one of summer's quintessential delicacies? Inspired by all the food that was being shoveled into my mouth for 48 hours straight, I decided to create the piece of art below, titled "YSF in Iowa." Shoutout to Midwestern moms for "guilting" me into eating thirds! I'm still trying to remember the last time I felt hunger pain. God Bless America. 

YSF Sampler Platter, coming soon to your local Applebee's

YSF Sampler Platter, coming soon to your local Applebee's

Highlights of Brat Daze™:

  • Consuming four brats in one day and not having cardiac arrest. #ImStillFat
  • Passing out in the back of a pickup truck, on a lawn chair, in my swimsuit, holding a beer, at a softball game. 
  • The bowl of candy on every bedside table in the house.
  • Being asked by a local if I was an extra on Entourage. Chic for me!
  • BREAKFAST BRATS: brats stuffed with hash browns and hot cheese (This concept needs to be executed in the form of a food truck ASAP). 
  • Being reminded that the dip I was eating contained MSG. #iSleep

Low Points of Brat Daze™:

  • Coming home late after the community street dance and not being able to find the pan of cheesy hash browns. #HowCouldUBeSoHeartless
  • MSG headaches
  • The complete destruction of my styrofoam plate, crippling under the weight of the ribs it was holding. 
  • Putting on jeans from now until forever after I blacked out on Beer Cheese dip.
  • Kale for lunch on Monday.

Live Tweeting Date #2

Guest Post, LoveKate VillaComment
live tweet
 

He’s on time to this date. I’m going to marry you. #brunomars

Oooooodinner. We fancy, huh. No lunch dates for this snappy dresser. #turnt

Is he going to order the wine? Or do I have to fucking spoonfeed the alcohol to him.

#willnotdrinkalone

This dress is too short. #asscheeksdayout

“feelin’ this chair” –my butt

He just ordered a side of mayo.

Added ketchup because I looked at him like he just skinned my cat.

Waiter hates him. Did they go to high school together? Getting those #vibes

High school waiter probably just spit in our food. #swearingofffood @guyfieri

Who the fuck calls appetizers “appeTeasers.” Where the fuck are you from again?

Ohhhhhh Indiana. #indiana

Does your mom know you’re out this late. #babyman @babymamathemovieofficial

Why are we only eating meat. Is he trying to tell me something.

Possibly wearing a fake mustache. Will know if it falls off into his wine. Stay tuned.

Side of baked beans just arrived. Obviously not thinking of sleeping with me tonight.

Anyone want to go out for burgers after this bc he’s literally eating everything on the table.

Officially 3 glasses of wine and 2 bites of meat in to this dinner. #meat

#meat

“about how often do girls menstruate?” –human man

“we could brainstorm what we think god is punishing you for….” –human man

“I’m feeling…”-human man

“Nah, she doesn’t want dessert. Right?” –human man

“I’ll do the lava cake.”-human man

I would trade your soul for a chocolate lava cake right now.

Literally you’re the only fucking person who has ever owned a border collie.

Your dog sounds stupid. Not cute stupid. #cutestupid #cupid

I didn’t even pretend to offer to pay. #adult @adult @adultswim

He paid. Huzzah!!! @medievaltimes

Bathroom break—peeled sweaty thighs off chair. #goodsign

We just made out on the street. Pretty sure my aunt’s friend just walked by. #ready4a3rddate

Image 1 2

 

#LoveWins

Guest Post, LoveBen HeinemannComment
really really gay

by ben heinemann

 

Sometimes you have a hard week, and then Friday rolls around and the world rights itself. This Friday has me feeling pretty #blessed for a number of reasons:

  1. I’m going to San Diego, also known as the whale’s vagina, but more importantly, McDonald’s is currently testing 24 hour breakfast in America’s Finest City. Does this mean I can put down the Ativan to get rid of the 10:30am cut-off anxiety?!
  2. The deep-fried Big Mac. Bai.
  3. Probably the most important, the Supreme Court declared same-sex marriage as a constitutional right.

In the immortal words of the elusive chanteuse, “It’s been a long time baby and it has been a rough road.” Being gay can be gay, but most of the time, being gay is pretty special. 

I’m hungry.

Background image via Fast Company