You're Still Fat


Conversation Piece: Faux (Cro)nut

Food, obesity, fat(e), Conversation PiecesCaitlin VanderKlokComment

Before today, we had always questioned fate. Like, will we ever be rich? Will Bey and J be together forevs? Then, on this brisk Tuesday morning, we walked into the Dunkin Donuts at Chicago and Franklin and there were two pieces of fried dough layered to perfection just sitting there, waiting for us. The LAST TWO. We plopped down at a table with the new Croissant Donut and... 

  1. Like, they're pretty small! 
  2. We're excited.
  3. Denser than I expected.
  4. Small but dense. Yeah. 
  5. It's like a glazed croissant with a hole.
  6. I feel like a New Yorker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  7. * head tilt *
  8. People are staring at us.
  9. It's weird that there are no advertisements for it. 
  10. Their biggest promotion is the chicken flatbread, which like, we're already over it. 
  11. Is a croissant donut part of the secret menu? 
  12. Does Dunkin have a secret menu? 
  13. Cue Jessie J on the radio.
  14. My friend Mark plays a really great rendition of this song.
  15. That middle-aged man seems pretty into it.
  16. Bobbing his head.
  17. Since there were only two left when we got here, who got all the other ones? 
  18. It's pretty flaky.
  19. Just like my ex-boyfriend.
  20. I wonder if he's had one of these.
  21. Where is Greg Avdoian right now?* 
  22. Oh, we have to limit our stay to 30 minutes. There's a sign.
  23. Are bangs back? 
  24. The general manager here looks like that guy from Modern Family.
  25. He's wearing a Canadian Tuxedo. Pretty chic but kind of shriek.
  26. What if Dunkin Donuts changed their uniform policy to only Canadian Tuxedos? 
  27. Is denim on denim on denim the new black? 
  28. I'm gonna have to get a kale smoothie for lunch because of this. 
  29. Thank God I'm wearing high-waisted pants.
  30. Wait, is that Gayle on TV?
  31. Who knew CBS had a morning show? 
  32. Jonny is here. Spits out gum immediately. Tries croissant donut. 
  33. "Good! Flavorful. Calories."
  34. "I don't want anything in here. Bye." 
  35. They just called out number 74. Does that mean 74 people have been here today?
  36. At least a third of the people that have been here today have gotten a croissant donut.
  37. The Dunkin Donuts worker's name was Yesenia. 
  38. So is the Y silent? Or ... what? 
  39. This girl with the fur and the leggings, either her outfit was completely intentional or she just rolled out of bed.
  40. There's no in-between. 
  41. You can tell this Thanksgiving wall decor is from the dollar store.
  42. Do you think Dunkin will ever come out with a holiday cup? 
  43. Should we ask? No. 
  44. Would Queen Elizabeth try this? 
  45. What if a cronut was Prince George's first real piece of food? 
  46. What's a better way to say "real piece of food"? 
  47. Wait, does Dunkin even have croissants? Like regular croissants? 
  48. Shoutout to Yesenia at Franklin and Chicago. 
  49. Is that Pari

*Greg Avdoian eventually showed up. Caitlin was so excited she broke a nail.