You're Still Fat

Kate Villa

Live Tweeting Date #2

Guest Post, LoveKate VillaComment
live tweet
 

He’s on time to this date. I’m going to marry you. #brunomars

Oooooodinner. We fancy, huh. No lunch dates for this snappy dresser. #turnt

Is he going to order the wine? Or do I have to fucking spoonfeed the alcohol to him.

#willnotdrinkalone

This dress is too short. #asscheeksdayout

“feelin’ this chair” –my butt

He just ordered a side of mayo.

Added ketchup because I looked at him like he just skinned my cat.

Waiter hates him. Did they go to high school together? Getting those #vibes

High school waiter probably just spit in our food. #swearingofffood @guyfieri

Who the fuck calls appetizers “appeTeasers.” Where the fuck are you from again?

Ohhhhhh Indiana. #indiana

Does your mom know you’re out this late. #babyman @babymamathemovieofficial

Why are we only eating meat. Is he trying to tell me something.

Possibly wearing a fake mustache. Will know if it falls off into his wine. Stay tuned.

Side of baked beans just arrived. Obviously not thinking of sleeping with me tonight.

Anyone want to go out for burgers after this bc he’s literally eating everything on the table.

Officially 3 glasses of wine and 2 bites of meat in to this dinner. #meat

#meat

“about how often do girls menstruate?” –human man

“we could brainstorm what we think god is punishing you for….” –human man

“I’m feeling…”-human man

“Nah, she doesn’t want dessert. Right?” –human man

“I’ll do the lava cake.”-human man

I would trade your soul for a chocolate lava cake right now.

Literally you’re the only fucking person who has ever owned a border collie.

Your dog sounds stupid. Not cute stupid. #cutestupid #cupid

I didn’t even pretend to offer to pay. #adult @adult @adultswim

He paid. Huzzah!!! @medievaltimes

Bathroom break—peeled sweaty thighs off chair. #goodsign

We just made out on the street. Pretty sure my aunt’s friend just walked by. #ready4a3rddate

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K is for Kale and Kardashian

Food, Guest PostKate VillaComment

Kale is a superfood. It has nutrients galore and can be whipped into a pungent smoothie that is gross and nutritious at worst, trendy and overrun with another flavor at best. But what is our obsession with this dinosaur-esque green leaf? This Paleolithic piece of cardboard passed off as salad? Why didn’t the world see spinach and be all like “you are enough.” Honestly, if I was spinach, I would be PISSED OFF.

If spinach could talk, it would be that old guy sitting on the end of the bar with a perpetually half full, slightly frothy pint muttering to himself about the good ol’ days when someone had the sense to make him the star of a cartoon television show and he had to walk to school uphill both ways.

Here’s the real deal about Kale. It’s the Kardashian of greens. It’s trendy, served up in LA and is welcome as a “serious meal” in basically no other place. There is a lot of buzz about Kale but no one can really tell you why. They also both start with K’s. See what I mean? Match made in salad heaven.

If you want to get detailed about it, Spinach is the Meryl Streep of greens. She’s the best. She’s got the depth and the breadth. She fucked Alec Baldwin in a romantic comedy once and was critically perfect in Sophie’s Choice. Who else can do that? Spinach. That’s who. But, if you want a little Reese Witherspoon down-home-southern-comfort, you can do chard one night. And if you’re literally the most boring person on the planet, the Anne Hathaway of them all, you’re just going to order a fucking hunk of iceberg lettuce. But then, when you really want something real, you always go back to Meryl.

Ah, but the world has fallen for Kale, now. And I think Kale is gross.

Your initial response to this analysis might go something like “what’s your name again?” or “is there someone else I can talk to about this? I’m actually really digging Kale salads right now.”

Ok. No, there is no one else who’s going to sit here and talk to you about greens for as long as I have, so just appreciate me. Secondly, you’re not actually enjoying ingesting Kale. I’m going to show you that you’re not enjoying it. Ready?

Let’s do a quick exercise. Think about looking at a Kale salad. It’s crispy. You see that. You can smell the spritz of lemon vinaigrette they’ve put on it. There are a few toppings. Probably nothing with gluten. You probably went vegan, also, knowing you…. So the only things on it are edamame beans and chopped up, raw red peppers.

Now, pick up your fork and take a bite.

Alright. It’s good so far. You’re thinking “man, I’ve got this bitch beat.”

Now try to swallow the leaf.

You can’t. You’re about to have tiny bits of raw kale leaf in your throat until the waiter takes pity on you and brings over a glass of water.

And then you’ll continue to find them in your teeth until next spring.

You’re making your way slowly through the salad, trying to set the right proportion of toppings to kale because, as I said before, Kale kinda sucks.

And now you’re at the bottom of the bowl. There is just kale. This is the real test. In your mind, are you eating JUST the kale now that all the toppings are gone?

No. No you’re not. And if you are, you should take the next fucking flight to mars and please start a new, healthy AND LOVING IT human colony.

I’ll stick with the side of fries. Thanks.