You're Still Fat

Wicker Park

Stoop Troop

Chicago, Looqs, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment
liza caitlin turbans

It's that time of year again. Everything is blooming, including our BMIs, and basics everywhere are shedding that extra fruitcake they emotionally indulged in when their high school hook-up didn't text them back (shriek!). So as hundreds of pounds of Lululemon flocked to the gym, we decided to join in on the loss with our first annual Lard Sale, err... Stoop Sale. 

Between curating looqs, some frenemies showed up with unwanted garments and much-wanted breakfast items. Staying true to character, Caitlin immediately sold a few items to a 64-year-old woman (...and staying true to her beloved family, we won't disclose what those items were). 

stoopsale
stoopz

Over cocktails and donuts, we bartered and bantered on until 2 pm when we decided that no one wanted our never- before-worn-BCBG-$238-with-tags dress. Guess a size 2 really is the new size 18W.

"Free Ambien™ with every purchase!" - Fanny

"Free Ambien™ with every purchase!" - Fanny

Four hours, three bloody marys, and $32 later, our focus shifted to something more important than profit: a second helping of bagel. Well that and something to address the state of our morning-after tresses: TURBANS.

Caitlin's looq: dark scarf brought to life with bright white accents (her skin)  Liza's looq: Pretty chic scarf gifted from a friend's trip to Amsterdam paired with dry shampoo and an ample appetite

Caitlin's looq: dark scarf brought to life with bright white accents (her skin)

Liza's looq: Pretty chic scarf gifted from a friend's trip to Amsterdam paired with dry shampoo and an ample appetite

AND NOW, A TUTORIAL ON TYING YOUR TURBAN:


Our overly-indulgent-gratitude goes out to Marina for capturing the event in photos and on paper.

Faux-ga @ Rooted Center

birth weight, Chicago, obesityCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Our legs are not as flexible as our waistbands.

Our legs are not as flexible as our waistbands.

Before last week, our concept of 'Namaste' was to "Namast'ay in Bed." And considering our last actual sweat-induced workout, minus the el stairs, was in 2011 - we were both pretty anxious. After confirming that neither of us own athletic shoes within the state of Illinois and these 60s-inspired Cynthia Rowley's wouldn't work (they do have laces), we just went barefoot.* 

So anyway, when we saw the sign for Rooted's Techno Yoga, we were intrigued. Like, is that a real form of yoga that we've never heard of, or will we be straining our bodies and calming our minds in a dark laser-filled room? Liza painted her nails white in hopes of a black light. Caitlin's skin is already transparent enough as is, so she left her nails bare. It's important to note that we also both shaved our legs for this, so @Jonny and @Ross, we'll send you Rooted Yoga Studio's address for thank you cards. 

After battling the elements, we arrived to free David's Tea ( hot AND cold) waiting for us, which was really chic. After nervously downing, we slapped on a few glow sticks and prepared for our final hour. The instructor, Aliza, led us into the blacklit room and everyone started to stretch while we fled to the back of the room and did a few ankle circles to loosen up. There was a guy sitting to our right (we'll call him Jeff) who claimed to also be a beginner. Phew. Aliza started with the instructions, and before we knew it, we were doing downward dog with a perfect view of our cankles and the back wall. After completing the first yoga routine Aliza brought us back to this pose where we put our hands together and reflect on how we're feeling. Um, what are feelings again? 

We did some poses like this and this and this and this. Well, at least they seemed that difficult to us...Then, Aliza was all like, "I'm gonna get TURNT UP!," increased the volume of the music by 400%, turned off the lights completely, and asked that everyone "move at their own pace." People were doing this and this and this and this (TALKING TO YOU, JEFF) and we were just....doing this for about the next 20 minutes. 

And to stay in the pace of the true techno spirit, we'll press the fast-forward button to speed up the black light experience. Internal zen thoughts were as follows: 

  • My thumb is asleep.
  • Room feels like 100+ degrees (actually just internal body temp)
  • When's fetal position?!
  • Dogs do nothing that actually resembles downward dog.
  • Glowstick bracelet really showcasing my sweat
  • We smell like H&M b.o. right now
  • I put on eyeliner for this.
  • Jeff, the beginner, is actually doing a headstand.
  • Thank God we didn't eat before this. Any amount of bodily gas would hinder the experience almost absolutely.
  • I'm sweating more than I do right before I check my bank account.
  • Do we get a water break? 

THEN, we hear the sweet voice of Aliza "settle down and get back to your reflection pose." I could ONLY reflect on the fact that "OMG I THINK I HAVE A SIX PACK!"* Aliza was an angel and asked that everyone lay on their back and close their eyes (our favorite position) for the next 5 minutes. Yoga was over. Our lives were not.

Thank you to everyone at Rooted for allowing these beached whales into your fitness routine and teaching us what it means to truly be rooted.


*Which turned out to be okay! People that do yoga never wear shoes. Even in the bathroom, which we hesitantly embraced (because I wanted to check if I did, indeed, have a six pack. Spoiler: I didn't)