You're Still Fat

holiday

You're Still Single

fat(e), Guest Post, Holiday, LoveMel SaffordComment

by mel safford

 

Happy Galentine's Day, bitches!! I hope you all are feelin' the love, and most importantly, the inner thigh chafe, on this beloved hallmark holiday. This year's big day is especially exciting for me as I'm marking the occasion with an inaugural You're Still Fat post (Disclaimer: I am YSF's biggest Stan. I love these women, their values, taste, and above all, Geneetra.). If we can't have a space to muse about arm cellulite, bloodies and donuts, then can we even? We can't. #YSF. Thx to da bawse ladiez and this wonderful community for the opportunity to b*tch and laugh and ramble on. X's! 

Anyhoosier, as resident YSF single lady (shout out to the Stedmans, Yanni and Ross), I am an obvious choice for Head Valentine's Correspondent. You see, V-Day is like NYE for singles...another year over, a new one just begun. A chance to reflect (selfies!) on what, rather, who we've done in the last year and what's to come. 

Oprah might say, "with every scorned Tinder lover, there is a lesson to be learned," or something like that. So grab your pencils, dust off your Bridget Jones DVD, twist off your SkinnyGirl Margarita caps and let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Since V-Day 2014, I dated/went steady/loved/talked/hooked up/texted/had sumpin' with......

suitors

Honorable Mentions: 

  • The guy who played Johnny Utah in point break Live #fantasy #notsuhmuch
  • The guy you didn't realize looked just like your brother until the end of the date #shriek
  • All Man Buns: If they have a man bun and talk about said man bun, it's not going to work out.
  • All men from Minnesota. Love hockey, their moms, real estate, and cuddling. Find them, keep them.
  • Antoine Walker...Ginuwine...Winner of America's Got Talent....better as friends.

So how's your list go, friends? Call me, beep me, let's get brunch and laugh our a$$es off. Cheers bitches, you're still single. 

Until next time (#dryspell), Mels. xox

Holiday Packing List

Holiday, Looqs, obesityLiza RushComment

‘Tis the season of stuffing, receiving, and packing (our middles). So if your head is fogged with visions of sugar calories and you just threw that monokini into your trapeze tote for the trip home - STOP. We’ve pieced together a few last minute looqs just in case you run into your ex, ex-BFF, and even your middle school crush who last saw you when your xmas list was full of herbal essence and neutrogena products (yikes). 

packing list

DO PACK: 

  • The matching pair of Aldo earmuffs that we found on sale for a smooth $12 even
  • Xanax, to exist
  • Our iPads for when we need a private moment with Netflix
  • Headphones. "Can you just...turn it down a little bit?"
  • A little black dreXCUSE ME COMING THROUGH...
  • Camouflaging looqs to hide our year-long weight gain #committed 
  • Something sequined
  • A bottle of champagne, just in case. 
  • 20 pairs of tights (per day)
  • Under eye makeup to conceal hangovers
  • Your skinniest looq for when you see your HS (ex)-friends. Make sure to say "this is going to sound so shallow but what was your name again??" to everyone that tries to speak to you.
  • ...But also some really really really old clothes that were formerly in a trash bag, so your mom will see and take you shopping
  • Four coats and a pair of high heels that will all go unworn
  • One pair of leggings that you'll actually wear every day in place of everything else you pack
  • Laxatives (god bless)
  • Emergency cigarettes

DON'T PACK

Earmuffs / Headphones / Dress / Bag / Shoes: '13 Dior / Coats 1 2 3 4

Which Holiday Bitch Are You?

quiz, HolidayCaitlin VanderKlokComment
bitches

DIRECTIONS:

embrace your inner ebenezer and Add up the number of points of each of your answers below to find out who your true, scientifically-proven, dermatologically-tested Holiday Bitch-mate is.


  1. Baking Christmas cookies with your mom has always been chic. But this year, your vegan cousin is requesting "animal-free" sugar cut-outs, heavily limiting your calorie intake and creative palette. You: 
    • Consider it a challenge and overuse the red frosting on the reindeer cut-outs ;)      5 points
    • Don't give a fuq and throw in a double batch of butter anyway...oopsie!      4 points
    • Mix the batter, accidentally add eggs, then take one for the team and consume it raw.      3 points
  2. On your second serving of french toast Christmas morning, your recently anorexic sister decides to comment on your consumption. You: 
    • Dip your spoon in the pseudo-melted unsalted butter and fling it directly into her blonde blowout.      5 points
    • Roll your eyes, pile on another serving and silently plot how you'll tell her the stuffing is gluten-free later...      4 points
    • Don't even hear her over the sizzling of the bacon.      2 points
  3. Your holiday looq consists of: 
    • Fur, fur, and fur      1 point
    • A LOT of low cut red, devil ears, and desperation (in case that wasn't already implied).       3 points
    • 19th-century inspired garb and a generally dismal attitude       5 points
  4. It's gifting time with your S.O. and his eyes are glued to your face as you unwrap...a Kay Jewelers' box. You: 
    • Can't even (hide your disdain).       1 point
    • Accept it graciously and immediately put it on over your turtleneck sweater.       2 points
    • Open it, smile and think about how much you can pawn it for, while simultaneously wondering what his paycheck is.      6 points
  5. You're the last one up and there's the last of Grandma's cookies on the table. You: 
    • Glue it to the plate.       1 point
    • Eat it swiftly and in silence       7 points
    • Hold it for ransom (hey, you need the money).      4 points

...and you're pregnant with holiday hormones! Add your points together & follow the button below to see how big of a holiday bitch you must be.