You're Still Fat

kendall

#Trending For Fall: Dressing in Excess

fashion week, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Sip, swallow. Sip, spit. #balance

Sip, swallow. Sip, spit. #balance

Ignore your indian summer upper lip sweat. Leave your razor behind. Double-fist that non-fat skinny coconut milk Pumpkin Spice Latte and put on orange-tinted oversized sunnies, because it's time to welcome back woven nylon between our thighs. And officially find out what's in, what's out, what's faux, and what is absolutely no this fall. 

All praise layered polyester.

All praise layered polyester.

Gucci = God.

The Italian brand has resurrected our parents' youth, along with their chicest 70s looqs which we have since inherited/stolen, proving that god is real and turquoise jewelry is only acceptable when worn on every finger at once.

Styling tip: sport the largest stone on the finger that matters most. #┌∩┐ 

Do lipsmackers come in tinted Cheetoh dust???!

Do lipsmackers come in tinted Cheetoh dust???!

Mozzarella lip sticks

Neutral or orange lips will do the trick for day to night (no correlation to Halloween, just coincidentally spooky chic for you). 

What the FAUX.

What the FAUX.

Free the earth-toned bush.

Fur* should drape your shoulders (and even below the belt) for an authentic 70s looq, clothes on or off.

*Unless you're 50 Cent, then we know it's faux.

Camouflage your "jaw-line."

Camouflage your "jaw-line."

MANE MOMENTS

Keep the hair on your head natural, down, smooth and wavy (think Farrah Fawcett pre-drug OD). We recommend achieving this look with an abundance of dry shampoo and strictly refrain from any hair washing after July 4. Chic for you!

FUPAS FOR ALL!

FUPAS FOR ALL!

Jean sais quoi

Denim hasn't died, so continue with a Canadian tuxedo for every casual cocktail event (This one's for you, Jay!) Maybe even try to force your 2k16 body into your mom's 1971 bell bottoms for a vintage flare looq, immediately sacrificing every second serving in hopes of attaining her pre-teen BMI.

May your legs be as wide as Kendall's thigh gap.

Legs up to Olive Garden linguini.

Legs up to Olive Garden linguini.

V V Velvet

Velvet's no longer considered underground or over-dressed. So slap on some fuzzy chaps for the office or the train ride home, think of this as the wild west. And consider yourself Lady Velveeta



Hot Sauce on My Dress, #BLEST

Fashim, Food, Looqs, obesityLiza RushComment
Queuing for the Quesalupa

Queuing for the Quesalupa

As Lady Gaga walked the MJ runway in skyscraper platforms during NYFW, we were called upon by the carbs in our upper arms to give our (& our stomach's) #thots on this season's newest fashion accessory. Spoiler alert: It's even #BiggerThan the space between Kendall's thighs on the Michael Kors runway.  

Taco bell's quesalupa

Double the dairy for me, PLZ.

Double the dairy for me, PLZ.

Dolce, Dolce, Dulce de Leche

Dolce, Dolce, Dulce de Leche

Famished after driving two blocks to Taco Bell, we immediately stomped the salted runway to the counter, ordering a Cantina Margarita Freeze to SIP for flavor (then spit out). We continued to drink only Dos Equis and sour cream for the remainder of the meal, YUM!

Is Border  Sauce  complimentary?!??

Is Border Sauce complimentary?!??

Channeling Frieda Kahlo at Coachella, we layered black lace to accent our winter skin and swore off shaving for two weeks to emulate the ultimate Taco Belle.     

Consider this the Birkin   bag of 2k16

Consider this the Birkin bag of 2k16

Cradling the newest addition to our wardrobe (and waistline), we embraced the cheese-filled bebé swaddled in black foil and speckled with gold lamé highlights.

quesalupa
quesalupa

Finding that the secret ingredient settled deep into the folds of the fried tortilla, we quickly realized the resemblance to a Thom Browne taffeta tutu, and executed consumption accordingly.

our advice: eat it from the bottom. eat only the bottom. eat it all.

Fans swarm as the fragrance hits the pavement.

Fans swarm as the fragrance hits the pavement.

Offering much-needed versatility, the quesalupa is ideal for the fashionista-on-the-go, allowing calorie-filled bites between runway shows.

Quesalupa as my clutch, #clutch.

Quesalupa as my clutch, #clutch.

Disguise the pocketbook as vegan leather. Best served when sprinkled with half a Xanax for tasting.

For a quick snack, just the tip.

For a quick snack, just the tip.

The only thing greasier than our second serving was our hair. Chic for us!

quesa to go

Leftovers? Wrap it like an oversized Fendi cocoon coat and stuff it next to your under eye cream for later. Take it from us, your thighs are going to need it.

Special thanks to Taco Bell and Christina for helping us think outside our buns. Besos!


Your Low-Cal Guide to #PFW

collections, fashion weekCaitlin VanderKlokComment

Happy Monday, freaks! In an effort to be fashionably late for Paris Fashion Week, we've rounded up who was in, what was out, and how many croissants went to waste. So pull up your balance ball chair, pretend to have a core and find out what you missed, who was dissed, and why Elton is pissed.

paris fashion week

Here's the skinny: 

  • Shriek of the Week: Dolce and Gabbana caused another stir from Milan by slamming IVF, gay marriage, etc...albeit that they're two gay men who had children walk their show last week. #BoycottDolceGabbana and throw away your sunglasses (we know they're fake anyway).
  • The Weasleys were shown up by Hogwarts' newest set of duplicates: Kim, Jared, and Draco.
  • Breakfast at Chanel: Calories of grapefruit presse, espresso, and hunks of baguette were served front row at Chanel, while models walked the runway at their birth weight.
  • Elisabeth von Thurn und Taxis (let's call her Liz) filled everyone's instagram feed, leaving a bad taste in our mouths. 
  • Life imitated art at Junya Wantanabe's presentation...now, if only we could fold our sizes in half...