You're Still Fat

new york fashion week

#Trending For Fall: Dressing in Excess

fashion week, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Sip, swallow. Sip, spit. #balance

Sip, swallow. Sip, spit. #balance

Ignore your indian summer upper lip sweat. Leave your razor behind. Double-fist that non-fat skinny coconut milk Pumpkin Spice Latte and put on orange-tinted oversized sunnies, because it's time to welcome back woven nylon between our thighs. And officially find out what's in, what's out, what's faux, and what is absolutely no this fall. 

All praise layered polyester.

All praise layered polyester.

Gucci = God.

The Italian brand has resurrected our parents' youth, along with their chicest 70s looqs which we have since inherited/stolen, proving that god is real and turquoise jewelry is only acceptable when worn on every finger at once.

Styling tip: sport the largest stone on the finger that matters most. #┌∩┐ 

Do lipsmackers come in tinted Cheetoh dust???!

Do lipsmackers come in tinted Cheetoh dust???!

Mozzarella lip sticks

Neutral or orange lips will do the trick for day to night (no correlation to Halloween, just coincidentally spooky chic for you). 

What the FAUX.

What the FAUX.

Free the earth-toned bush.

Fur* should drape your shoulders (and even below the belt) for an authentic 70s looq, clothes on or off.

*Unless you're 50 Cent, then we know it's faux.

Camouflage your "jaw-line."

Camouflage your "jaw-line."

MANE MOMENTS

Keep the hair on your head natural, down, smooth and wavy (think Farrah Fawcett pre-drug OD). We recommend achieving this look with an abundance of dry shampoo and strictly refrain from any hair washing after July 4. Chic for you!

FUPAS FOR ALL!

FUPAS FOR ALL!

Jean sais quoi

Denim hasn't died, so continue with a Canadian tuxedo for every casual cocktail event (This one's for you, Jay!) Maybe even try to force your 2k16 body into your mom's 1971 bell bottoms for a vintage flare looq, immediately sacrificing every second serving in hopes of attaining her pre-teen BMI.

May your legs be as wide as Kendall's thigh gap.

Legs up to Olive Garden linguini.

Legs up to Olive Garden linguini.

V V Velvet

Velvet's no longer considered underground or over-dressed. So slap on some fuzzy chaps for the office or the train ride home, think of this as the wild west. And consider yourself Lady Velveeta



Your Low-Cal Guide to #NYFW

Fashim, Looqs, fashion weekCaitlin VanderKlokComment

Fashion Week is wrapping up in New York and we've been collaging in our burn book all about it. 

And as Lord Paul Cunningham declares "eat with your eyes" because we all know your thighs don't need it, adjust your retina screens now because your pupils are about to get really fat with take-out. I mean, takeaways: 

NYFW

Here's the skinny:

  • The manboob took on a whole new meaning at the Bushwick Drag Festival 
  • Nicki Minaj taught models how to Anaconda and our eyes were actually attacked with an anaconda of pre menstrual cramps.
  • The girls at Rodarte ditched their usual ethereal looqs for some heavy metal shit by faux-piercing everyone's eyebrows not just once, twice, three times a lady, but about 20 times. The looq gives a chicly subtle nod to ancient Chinese torture techniques to be channeled for your parents' wedding renewal!!!
  • Our favorite Duchess of Cambridge was blessed with nine months of over-eating (god bless) beginning with an appetizer full of vom.  
  • Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, why won't my husband allow me to dye my hair gray and pink like Dascha Polanco at Tracy Reese? We and the senior citizen community everywhere salute you, D.
  • Ashley and Mary Kate released a Vine video before the The Row show and, uh, we all realized their on-screen talent peaked at How the West was Fun
  • Anna Wintour still uses a flip phone which, is presumably why she never takes selfies. 
  • Not mentioned in this episode of "What Miley Wore": a tiger mask. Reviews still TBD if they complimented her bandaged nipples.
  • Anna answered 73 questions on Vogue Video and we learned that her longest-lasting employee is...her desk. 
  • Still realizing he'll never do chicer than Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel attempted to redeem himself yet again with his take on NYFW