You're Still Fat

HAIM Depot

Fashim, looqs, Looqs, MusicCaitlin VanderKlokComment
Something to tell you ... about the ๐ŸŒญ @ Home Depot

Something to tell you ... about the ๐ŸŒญ @ Home Depot

OKAYYYYYYY. 

So it's been a weird summer. Like first it was hot, then it was cool, then it just got clammy and we started to hate/love every one/thing. And that really got us thinking, A LOT, like... is global warming actually really great for my dewy skin? Does Claire's still sell toe rings? Is Bachelor in Paradise the eHarmony of Gen Z? IDK IDK IDK. But one thing we did find out is that the hot dogs at Home Depot are worth at least three Michelin stars. And as you know, we're obsessed with ourselves, soooooo we mirrored our three-star spirit animals of the solstice, Este, Danielle and Alana of #HAIMtheBand, to try out the weiners next to a lot of wood, double yum!

dogs
lays

PRO tip #1: UPGRADE YOUR stains TO COUTURE by coordinating YOUR looqs with THE condiments ON YOUR DOG. It's complementary and distracts others from your MULTIPLYING CHINS!

AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING... YEAH, WE DID GET THEM WITH KETCHUP.

Is this what 'normal bloggers' do?

Is this what 'normal bloggers' do?

It's important to note that when it comes to managing finances, power tools, or any musical talent, we have absolutely no idea what we're doing. So we decided to head to aisle seven and strum a drill (is it a drill? is it a gun? does Home Depot have a liquor license?????!) like it was Reading Fest 2017. Pairing our DeWalt-inspired boots with Haim Depot brand colored glasses, we were able to black out in fear and eventually check off that infamous bucket list item: climbing the stair stepper at Home Depot to absolute STARDOM (at least to the other customers and, more importantly, ourselves). It's a long road to celeb status, my friends. And it involves a lot of MSG.

haim depot

PRO TIP #2: food comas are inevitable, so glitter your F*cking lids and head to the most sexily #lit aisle in the store (spoiler: it's the lightING aisle). AND contrary to popular belief, dark under eye circles are absolutely not the new milleNnial pink. Spooky!

haim depot

After a brief disco nap in the lighting aisle, we moved onto matters of the stomach--massaging our digestive tracts via Whirlpool washers. It's basically the chiropractor of the appliance section, and, as you know, we're really really really invested in our health. We recommend staying atop the washer for either A) as long as it takes to get a six pack or B) as long as it takes for a store clerk to say "MA'AM PLEASE GET DOWN FROM THERE.

PRO TIP #3: Depot dogs are CA$H ONLY, which is r shriek when your only currency is MAXED-OUT plastic THINNER THAN THE SKIN ON YOUR FACE. Special thigh claps to Amanda for covering our $13 bill and YEAH, WE'RE FULLY AWARE that isn't a diet coke.

home depot hot dog
haim tongue

K, now hold your deviated septums while we drop some pickled-onion-breathing HAIM knowledge. 

  • Danielle toured with the likes of Casablancas after JENNY F'ING LEWIS discovered her at a jam sesh in Laurel Canyon right after she graduated FROM HIGH SCHOOL. Tell that to your Razor flip phone and L.E.I. denim! (The only person interested in me at that point was the homeless man drinking windshield washer fluid outside the Speedway gas station).  
  • Before Este mastered her signature tongue-out-bass-face, she graduated from UCLA with a degree in whatever TF enthomusicology is soooooooooo.... chic for her! 
  • Alana is the epitome of youth in this Shania cover and we actually can't watch it ever again. bai. #ThisIsTwentyNineButReallyDangerouslyCloseToThirty
Backstage at Coachella or surrounded by fertilizer and flies? Only the orange aprons will know.

Backstage at Coachella or surrounded by fertilizer and flies? Only the orange aprons will know.

PRO TIP #4: The Sod Palaceโ„ข is just as exclusive as the VIP tent at the Governor's Ball. It has everything: sod, tarps, and even a small step for you to accentuate your "good leg" in photos. 

If you can't get into the propane tank to really light up your looq, try metallic heels and a quick hair flip.

If you can't get into the propane tank to really light up your looq, try metallic heels and a quick hair flip.

The most inspiring aspect about HAIM is that they DGAF about anybody except each other and Shania Twain, which is how we feel about ourselves versus everyone else in Home Depot (specifically the bathroom, like... can you PLZ GIVE US A MOMENT WE'RE BIZZY). And we all know that Shania Twain quit her job at Home Depot years ago.

Sorry, we're not here to sell anything except crippling self-doubt

Sorry, we're not here to sell anything except crippling self-doubt

PRO TIP #5: The wood section is your oyster and we are your CHIP GAINES. Here's a step-by-step on how to achieve this look yourself: 

  • Step 1: Stealthily carry two "Let's Do It" buckets to wood aisle

  • Step 2: Disregard the fact that you own underwear that says "Let's Do It" 

  • Step 3: Place buckets in front of the brightest wood, allowing your legs to appear tanned to a bronzed goddess HAIM level.

  • Step 4: Pose as if you are famous and are totally allowed to be doing this

  • Step 5: Stay aware of the fact that that Home Depot employee is swiftly walking toward your fur-filled cart.

  • Step 6: Wait, is this the same employee who told us to get off the washing machine earlier? 

  • Step 7: Hi, no, we're just looking, thanks! 


ALL THE CRAIC

Thanks to our resident pHOT-DOGtog, Christina Slaton, for ensuring that we definitely weren't the oddest looking people in the store.

 

Is That Blood or Chianti? (& Other Things to Step In @ a Music Festival)

Music, Looqs, FashimCaitlin VanderKlokComment

It's officially ~FeStIvAl SeAsOn~ -- and just as every BB color coordinates their Adidas Baselines with their Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs, we're coordinating our festival looqs to compliment that weird red puddle you just pranced into by the will call tent.  Is that blood? Is it chianti? Settle down ladies, it's all underneath your soles - so take off your bra, windex your vagina, and feast your (th)eyes on the absurd shit you're about to ruin your Balenciaga cutout boots with while you traipse around what's sure to be a field full of the weirdest garbage this side of the Atlantic. 

pitchfork

1. Vomit

These shoes were made for walkin' (in someone else's mistakes)

These shoes were made for walkin' (in someone else's mistakes)

Looks like they had the corndog, yum! Babes, we've all stumbled into someone's lost cookies. And if you swear on your grandmother's Gucci you never have, we beg you to go TSA on your platform Superga sneakers and swab that shit because although YOU may not eat carbs, your soles beg to differ.

2. Melted Ice Cream

Cream colored mules made even creamier. YUM!

Cream colored mules made even creamier. YUM!

It's not officially summer until you've slipped in curdled dairy and slid into a stranger's bralette as a shirt. Look at it this way, at least the stifling heat saves you from any stiff-nip-induced injuries. 

3. BEER PUDDLE

Beer-or, Beer-or, on the ground, who's the drunkest all around?

Beer-or, Beer-or, on the ground, who's the drunkest all around?

Ahhhhhh, the sticky stench of sophomore year chugging warm Natty-Light on your friend's porch while eyeing which polo-wearing bro you'll french next. That was SO fun we never ever want to do it again. BLEST that the only victim this time is our on-sale flatform Tevas and that we've blocked 85% of our graduating class on FB.

4. DEAD BIRD

R.I.P. Bird, R.I.P. $120 perfect-height summer heel

R.I.P. Bird, R.I.P. $120 perfect-height summer heel

Zika is the STD of summer 2k17 so ladies protect yourself ...  with a $29 pedicure that is easily rinsed off with a Grapefruit Sparkling Spindrift!

5. Somebody Else's CRATE & BARREL BLANKET

TBH brown undertones are in for summer. So, you're welcome!

TBH brown undertones are in for summer. So, you're welcome!

Disclaimer: the lowest price "outdoor" blanket at C&B is a smooth $103. And that's double the price of your last-season are-these-still-chic-Birkenstocks that just left a soupy footprint on that newlywed couple's overpriced wedding gift. THEY REGISTERED FOR THAT!!!!!

6. A BABY

Bae

J/K, you're still on edibles.

7. ROGUE JEANS

Long live @buttsofpitchfork

Everyone is jumping on the denim trend, including Mother Nature. Chic for her!

8. BLOOD?

In case of emergency, snap my therapist.

In case of emergency, snap my therapist.

By day three of the festival all lady cycles have synced, so pack exxxtra tampons and empathy for first timers and pray for a clean port-a-potty. JK THOSE DON'T EXIST EVEN AT FYRE FEST (too soon?).

9. GLUTEN FREE PIZZA

pizza.png

Celiacs unite to ruin pizza and your sky blue lamb leather mules, RUDE!

10. BAD LIGHTING

Pass the SPF 12m.

Pass the SPF 12m.

This is why sunglasses and hats are #MAJOR๐Ÿ”‘. We repeat SHADES AND TOPPERS. UV rays are our fourth best frenemy after broken escalators, aging and Sauvignon Blanc (in Caitlin's case).

11. IS THAT CARMEN ELECTRA?

Have fun at work on Monday! #evian

Have fun at work on Monday! #evian

No, it's just your reflection after tripping on molly for five full dehydrating hours.

ย 

P.S. Follow our personals tripS at Pitchfork on iG @ #shefork2017, BESOS!


Hiber-nation (A YSF Guide to Never Leaving Your Couch)

Looqs, obesity, TravelCaitlin VanderKlokComment

Hola, fudge lovers.

It has been a MINUTE. Please 'scooz our hibernation, but we needed to pile on the anti-aging masks and just let 2016 pass like our xmas-induced IBS. After spritzing a few gallons of rose water on our faces and adding Postmates on speed dial, we realized it was time to reemerge like we ~*pray*~ Richard Simmons will and share our top 5 tips on how to make those weird at-home fuzzy socks the top athleisure trend of 2017. So plz, be our guest to pause Netflix (PS YES WE'RE STILL WATCHING), mist some dry shampoo for the uber eats delivery guy and read on as the snow continues to drop (like our standards) in winter, mid-March. WTFFFF. 

Waiting for our soul (post)mate.

Waiting for our soul (post)mate.

1. DELIVERY IS MAJOR #๐Ÿ”‘

This is actually like a really serious topic. After recently googling "at home pap smear" we had an epiphany that being an invalid can actually be pretty chic and ... more importantly, fiscally responsible!

YSF airbnb

Pro tip: For good measure, keep cookware out in the open to appear to others as if you're capable of sustaining a healthy(ish) life sans Pizza Hut in the case that something tragic happens, liiiike, your mom shows up for a surprise visit, or  Trump is elected president. It's as if to say, "oh my.... you caught me just as I was preparing my meals for the entire week... how embarrassing!" as you tuck away your $10 voucher for your next large pizza delivery. In this case, we're displaying our 10lb Saveur Magazine Blog Award, which was almost captured by airport security (shriek! but also thanks for the idea of using it as a weapon). 

is it hot in here?
caitlin vanderklok

2. WARMTH IS A STATE OF MIND

Layer bright colors and set up tropical plant moments, then sit in front of a fan while wearing elbow length suede gloves to fend away goosebumps. At any possible chance of taking in some vitamin D, immediately strategically pose your body to soak in as much ultraviolet light as possible. Bonus points if your back is hunched from binge watching Love in bed for 36 hours (which can simply be mistaken as a chic hunched couture looq #FatKendall). 

Surround yourself with white walls to bring out the color of your windburned face.

Surround yourself with white walls to bring out the color of your windburned face.

* after saying Bloody Mary three times *

* after saying Bloody Mary three times *

3. MIRRORS ARE YOUR BIGGEST FRENEMY

Avoid them at all costs. Even look out for reflective surfaces, like the window you pass on your way to Taco Bell or that shrieky moment when you accidentally open your camera app to selfie mode...the horror! No one wants to see that, even your BFF on Facetime. The only exception for winter mirrors is right when you get out of the (only) shower (you'll take all week) and the mirror is fogged up. THEN it's ok to peek.

Are you there God?ย It's me, obesity.

Are you there God? It's me, obesity.

In extreme situations of seasonal affective disorder (aka S.A.D.ness ๐Ÿ˜ž), dress in your Sunday best and invite your nearest and dearest over for a prayer vigil to the metabolism gods for a speedy and scarily-thin Spring. But also pray for temps above freezing and waking up the next am with a natural* tan.

*natural in the case that you're one shade darker than death

The number of brain cells pictured is equivalent to the number of chins.

The number of brain cells pictured is equivalent to the number of chins.

4. SHIT WILL GET WEIRD

Your couch will mold to your rolls, crumbs between the cushions will be snacks and if you have a pet you'll most likely marry them in a Scientology ceremony officiated by Leah Remini's fingernails. And that's really fucking bizarre. But that's what we here at YSF call "my-apt-is-small-AF-and-I-haven't-left-in-four-days" fever. At some point you'll begin to look halfway deranged (see above), which is actually really chic for you because Caitlin's basically wearing rapist sunglasses and can still kinda pass as a sane person.

Day 15: Mild signs of life

Day 15: Mild signs of life

TBT to my thinner selfย 

TBT to my thinner self 

5. #TBT IS THE NEW BMI

So the last time you went to a social event was 4 months ago.... but Instagram doesn't need to know! Keep constant use of #tbt (even on days that don't begin with T) to stay current and "hip" and "fun," when really you just got married to your dog by Leah Remini's fingernails. Shhhhhh. 


LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

Sp(ecial th)anx to Lindsay Lewis for allowing us to play dress up with her beautiful jewelry (we're wearing the Parallel and Joss necklaces).