You're Still Fat

fat(e)

Because It's the (Giant) Cup

fat(e), ChicagoLiza RushComment
lord stanley

Three times in six years, the Chicago Blackhawks have won the Stanley Cup, which is coincidentally equivalent to the number of times we've stepped onto an elliptical. Anywho, that got us thinking. How big is the cup actually? Can it hold 2 bottles of White Girl Rosè or maybe even 3? Can we use it on 7-Eleven bring your own cup day? (#dreams) Do free refills still apply?!! So we pulled our hands out of the bottom of the Lays bag and reverted to digging deep into the rolls of the interweb to find out just how hungry we were. (Spoiler alert: VERY)

The Cup can holds 172 large Salted Caramel Milkshakes from the Chicago Diner. That's 2.15 gallons of award-winning vegan milkshake - not counting the whipped cream. Size 18W bottoms up!

chicago diner milkshakes

Wash down the faux dairy with one of YSF's MVPs, refined sugar in the form of 200 Dunkin' Munchkins. Use the 497-cubic inches to add variety with chocolate glazed, powdered sugar, and even a few cinnamon sugar because we all know Chicago runs on Duncan (GET IT?!)*

dunkin munchkins

Keep your next snack light with 34.4 cups of quinoa for 137 Ikram salads. At 122 calories per salad, might as well make multiple farm-to-table trips for seconds. YUM! 

ikram cafe

Mirror the Cup structure with Dusek's Shellfish Tier and drown the Cup with 32 ramekins of their homemade Tabasco sauce - you know, just for a dollop of flavor. 

tabasco

Now, it would be a sin if we didn't acknowledge the place where Lord Stanley is worshipped 365 days a year. The place where you once sported "formal shorts" with four-inch Steve Madden heels from DSW - in the middle of February. The place where you finished off the night at a hairless-chested-stranger's apartment overlooking the Golden Arches on Clark Ave: Wrigleyville. Where the drink of choice is two and a half 96-ounce vodka fishbowls from Merkle's, which is precisely how much the Cup (and our stomachs) can hold.

fish bowl

Counteract the inevitable hangover with a Vienna beef hot dog, 138 of them, actually, and fill the Cup to the brim, courtesy of Al's Beef

hot dogs

Cheers to you, Lord Stanley, for filling our hearts and stomachs. Until next year, when we fill the Cup with GMOs! 

*Full Disclosure: we know nothing about hockey, Mel was kind enough to mic drop some sporty knowledge. 

Images // Milkshake, Donuts, Ikram, Tabasco, Fish Bowl, Hot Dog


In Chicness and in Health... and on Pinterest

fat(e), Features, looqs, LoveCaitlin VanderKlokComment
vanderklok wedding

It's that time of the year again, love is in the air and our bank accounts are officially lower than our current weight, courtesy of Crate & Barrel. We're baring all, shimmying into our roomiest tent dresses to watch our nearest and dearest sweat their way to the altar while silently praying for an open bar. 

True (love) story: today is Caitlin's third wedding anniversary. So she'll be taking center stage, which is chic for you, because you're basically invited to her wedding 2.0. So grease up those inner thighs, toss back a Xanax and prepare to let her walk you down the aisle. 

olia zavozina
vanderklok wedding cake

I know, you're shocked that I found a man that can put up with my kind of crazy, day in and out, for three whole years? Well, he's a psychologist, so... 

caitlin and ross

#TBT TO THAT TIME I WEIGHED LESS THAN 120 POUNDS AND STILL HAD THE METABOLISM TO HANDLE a few 40S AND FRIED CHICKEN EVERY NIGHT 

(I WAS SOUTHERN THEN, SO KING COBRA IS ALLOWED AND Encouraged). 

wedding rings
caitlin and ross

Now listen here, this was in 2012, and Pinterest was just becoming a thing, so I wasn't #blessed with the luxury of starting a secret wedding board when I was still VERY single and spending most of my nights surrounded by my friends, tequila shots. Instead, I had a slew of images from around the web that I had saved, and eventually just told my florist to "make it feel chic, I don't give a fuq beyond that."

So, in honor of my anniversary, and also the impending nuptials of our resident photographer Christina, Liza and I have compiled a wedding Pinterest board for you brides-to-be. Consider this YSF's congratulations on your engagement, and an account of what I may have done differently if I could go back three years and do it all over again with Pinterest by my side.

FOR INSTANCE:

The dress. My mom came down to Nashville one weekend to go dress shopping. After a balanced breakfast of one very large bacon and cheese omelette and three mimosas, we set out on the search for Mr. White.  Finding ourselves suffocating in aisles of lace and drunk Southern Belles, I quickly realized I needed to design my own dress. 

...and here's a chic looq we found on Pinterest:

Here's my dress:

olia zavozina caitlin
pinterest dress

Confession: there were three very obligatory details missing from my wedding. Fur, more fur, and Liza. (Our eyes met a few months later, while both eyeing the last doughnut at work. It's true, when you know, you just know...that the pastry was not meant to be shared).


The Bridesmaids. Spending $300 on a garment curated by yours truly is, in all honesty, a cheap styling appointment, but whatever. Since I actually liked my maids, they chose their own looqs and avoided being mistaken for an all-female choir. The result was really chic, but I'm still bitter I didn't find the perfect Pinterest look until 2 years later.

Reality:

vanderklok bridesmaids

The LBD can do no wrong, and with multiple lengths every bridesmaid is happy. Thanks, Pinterest! 

Dresses: Vera / Vera / Vera / Vera / Vera


The veil. To be clear, my "veil" was a piece of Italian lace that I thought would be kind of cute since I was marrying an Italian (disregard the Dutch last name), rather than a cathedral-length stunner. This Chanel veil is perfectly understated and breezy for a summer wedding. 

Look mom, no grays!

vanderklok veil

Bridal perfection veil of dreams.

chanel

The MOB looq. Pretty sure my mom bought her dress before we were engaged, so chic for her! Cue my impulse shopping gene. Either way, my mom has never and will probably never use Pinterest (albeit my multiple attempts at selling her on it). This one's just a pipe dream. 

HI MOM! Chic dress!

mom and dad

...only chicer with an eye patch!

MOB

The Honeymoon. Okay, Pinterest, I may as well be a f*cking world traveler because I'm all like "oh, this will be perfect when we attend a black tie event in Morocco! JK, we went to Tulum. Thought my hat was big enough until Pinterest waved her middle finger again in my direction.

Sombrero

big hat

All in all, our wedding day was absolutely divine. If I had a million dollars to do it all over again, I'd probably do it the exact same way and spend that money on my "Wishlist" pin board.... or maybe an extra cruditè.

Follow along on the action, excitement, and inspiration for your own wedding HERE

Also: YSF Pinterest board.

Also: We like this bitch's wedding looq! 

You're Still Single

fat(e), Guest Post, Holiday, LoveMel SaffordComment

by mel safford

 

Happy Galentine's Day, bitches!! I hope you all are feelin' the love, and most importantly, the inner thigh chafe, on this beloved hallmark holiday. This year's big day is especially exciting for me as I'm marking the occasion with an inaugural You're Still Fat post (Disclaimer: I am YSF's biggest Stan. I love these women, their values, taste, and above all, Geneetra.). If we can't have a space to muse about arm cellulite, bloodies and donuts, then can we even? We can't. #YSF. Thx to da bawse ladiez and this wonderful community for the opportunity to b*tch and laugh and ramble on. X's! 

Anyhoosier, as resident YSF single lady (shout out to the Stedmans, Yanni and Ross), I am an obvious choice for Head Valentine's Correspondent. You see, V-Day is like NYE for singles...another year over, a new one just begun. A chance to reflect (selfies!) on what, rather, who we've done in the last year and what's to come. 

Oprah might say, "with every scorned Tinder lover, there is a lesson to be learned," or something like that. So grab your pencils, dust off your Bridget Jones DVD, twist off your SkinnyGirl Margarita caps and let's take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

Since V-Day 2014, I dated/went steady/loved/talked/hooked up/texted/had sumpin' with......

suitors

Honorable Mentions: 

  • The guy who played Johnny Utah in point break Live #fantasy #notsuhmuch
  • The guy you didn't realize looked just like your brother until the end of the date #shriek
  • All Man Buns: If they have a man bun and talk about said man bun, it's not going to work out.
  • All men from Minnesota. Love hockey, their moms, real estate, and cuddling. Find them, keep them.
  • Antoine Walker...Ginuwine...Winner of America's Got Talent....better as friends.

So how's your list go, friends? Call me, beep me, let's get brunch and laugh our a$$es off. Cheers bitches, you're still single. 

Until next time (#dryspell), Mels. xox